Why Comfort Is Making Us Miserable

Key points

• We cannot derive deep happiness from that which our evolutionary ancestors never experienced.

• The attention economy profits from our fear, anger, hatred, outrage, and division at our expense.

• True happiness is found in healthy relationships—not wealth, fame, power, or screen-mediated experiences.

  
  

Are you feeling stressed? Overwhelmed? Pessimistic about our future? Every time we think our world couldn't get any crazier, it does. Here's an unexpected silver lining—there is nothing wrong with you if you feel this way. In fact, we are all having natural reactions to an increasingly unnatural world.

The Real Problem of Humanity

Harvard biologist E.O. Wilson captured this perfectly: "The real problem of humanity is the following: we have Paleolithic emotions, medieval institutions, and god-like technology." Our biology hasn't caught up with our technology. The gap between them—what I am calling accelerating evolutionary mismatch—grows wider every day. The world isn't broken because we're broken. It's breaking us because it no longer fits who we are.

Source: Mike Brooks & Peeyoos / original work

The Progress Paradox

In this modern, hyper-connected world, we have more comfort, entertainment, and technological wonders than any humans in history. Yet we're increasingly anxious, divided, and miserable. We are caught in a progress paradox: The progress we evolved to make has resulted in us creating an alien world we didn't evolve to inhabit.

Simply put, the modern lifestyle is not conducive to health or happiness. We've been too successful in our pursuit of happiness. We have driven ourselves into a utopian hell on a road paved with good intentions. The basic equation is devastatingly simple:

Greater Progress = Greater Mismatch = Greater Suffering

https://youtu.be/cfAF_UetOtU

Kings and Queens of Comfort

By historical standards, most middle-class people in developed countries now live better than royalty did a century ago. We have climate control, instant entertainment, miracle medicines, clean water, and delicious delights delivered to our doorsteps. We gorge ourselves on an endless buffet of screen-based information, games, social connections, music, movies, and funny cat videos.

Despite the wonders of this modern world, we aren't getting any happier. On the contrary, we are suffering from diseases of civilization: an obesity epidemic and high rates of suicide, depression, anxiety, and loneliness. Sadly, we are devolving into tribalism—hating our neighbors instead of loving them.

Most of us in developed countries have everything that we realistically need to make us happy. But we evolved to struggle, and now most of us don't. The pursuit of happiness is making us unhappy. We suffer "First World Problems" precisely because we never evolved to deal with them.

Our ancestors would be dumbfounded by our struggles. For millions of years, humans fought daily battles against starvation, exposure, disease, and danger. Nearly one-third of infants didn't see their first birthday. Almost half of children never reached age 15. A minor cut could turn lethal. The elements were harsh masters. Life's First Noble Truth, that "life is suffering," was their daily reality long before the Buddha named it.

Our hunter-gatherer ancestors lived with frequent discomfort, punctuated by periods of relief. When they found moments of respite—when the tribe was fed, sheltered, and temporarily safe—they experienced deep contentment. Happiness came from relief from suffering, not an excess of pleasure. We know this truth when we experience how incredible a simple apple tastes after hours without food or how divine water feels when we're parched.

In the affluent, modern world, we adapt so quickly to comfort that even mild discomfort feels intolerable. We've gone from having simple but brutal lives to complex and comfortable ones. From an evolutionary perspective, we've become miserable snowflakes. This inconvenient truth was captured beautifully in season three of the brilliant streaming series "The White Lotus."

The Two Amounts: Enough and Not Enough

Here's an evolutionary truth hiding in plain sight: biologically, we recognize only two amounts—enough and not enough.

For millions of years, scarcity and unpredictability defined our existence. Contentment came when basic needs were satisfied—not from an endless buffet of modern luxuries and technological titillation.

After we have "enough," more doesn't make us happier. Just ask the rich and famous—many suffer as much as, or more than, the rest of us. Does Elon Musk, the world's richest person, seem happy to you? He's certainly not billions of times happier than the rest of us. What do you think inspired Taylor Swift to write a song like "Antihero" despite all her meteoric success? Her greatness is embodied by her struggle to be an authentic artist and a good person despite the crushing pressures of fame.

We know of the many cautionary tales—those who "have it all" yet suffer from depression, loneliness, and even suicide. Princess Diana. Elvis Presley. Robin Williams. Whitney Houston. Marilyn Monroe. Fame, luxury, power, and privilege cannot make us happy because we cannot derive deep happiness from that which our evolutionary ancestors never experienced.

Why We're Fighting Each Other

Even when so many of us in America have it so good, we fight over just about everything. Perhaps we're fighting precisely because we have it so good. With basic survival needs met, there is a primal instinct within all of us that needs to struggle—to have something to fight for or against. Our tribal instincts get redirected toward artificial conflicts—political, cultural, religious. All sides blast out their discontentment on social media and cause pain through our digitally connected nervous system.

When viewing the world through ancient eyes, all our cultural and political wars are fiction. Underneath them all is tribalism. Right now in America, we're behaving like two giant Red and Blue toddlers who are breaking the very toys we're fighting over. In our interconnected world, hatred is the poison we drink, hoping the other person will die.

The attention economy profits from our fear, anger, hatred, outrage, and division at our expense. Algorithms serve us not what's true but what keeps us engaged. We forget that it is truth that sets us free—not our tribal loyalties or what we wish the truth to be.

In fact, we're now building AIs in a world we barely understand ourselves. If that's not a call to reclaim our humanity, what is?

What Makes Us Happy?

After our needs are met, what truly matters to our happiness is relationships. The best research (e.g., Harvard's 85-year study), our greatest spiritual teachers, and our own personal experiences all point to the same truth: The deepest happiness we know comes from our connections with others.

The Path Forward

We cannot find deep happiness in experiences our evolutionary ancestors never had. We need to transcend tribalism and reconnect with what truly matters:

1. Meet our needs, then put love first. After sufficiency, more doesn't create happiness—connection does.

2. Expand our circles of compassion. The wider we can expand our circles of compassion, the more love we can give and receive, and the happier we become.

3. Be intentional with technology. Our digital world is reshaping our minds faster than we can adapt. Create boundaries that prioritize our humanity.

4. Seek embodied experiences. Real happiness comes from in-person connections, movement, nature, and purpose—not from chasing the digital red herrings of happiness.

5. Choose unity over division. Hatred is both evolutionary and spiritual failure. We are all one species sharing one planet and one future. We must transEND tribalism.

   
   

True happiness is rooted in our evolutionary roots. We will only achieve it by prioritizing what matters most in life—one another. We are here to choose love over hate, compassion over selfishness, and unity over division—even though we have the free will not to. It's time we live this Truth that we already know—and this is the Truth that will set us free.

Explore with AI

Still curious? Try asking your favorite AI assistant:

"If humans evolved for struggle and scarcity, why doesn't comfort and convenience make us truly happy? What might this reveal about what we really need for deep happiness?"

Let the answer surprise you. The right question might bring you closer to the truth you already know.